Alone

I feel alone, but it’s hard to get out.

I’m a new mom and I literally don’t want to do things without my child… it gives me anxiety to think about leaving her for longer than 1 hour. I know she has tons of people who would jump at the chance to sit for me and give me a few hours to just be. But it’s hard to leave. It’s also hard to give someone else control over my child’s wellbeing. What if she cries and they can’t figure out how to calm her? What if she keeps refusing the bottle because all she wants to do is nurse? What if she remembers not being able to calm down and it impacts her later in life? [I know I’m crazy].

I feel alone, but I want my own space.

I’m almost 28 years old and I’ve only had the chance to live alone for a very brief period of time. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of people, but I need my OWN space. I want to take all the things I have in storage and put them in their specific place. I want to clean up messes that are only mine.

I feel alone, but I’m not depressed.

I’ve been depressed… suicidal and sent to a psych ward kind of depressed. I don’t feel that way. My life is different and sometimes it’s challenging to adjust to the fact I can’t just go do whatever, but I’m not depressed. My daughter makes me the happiest I’ve ever been and I’m so thankful that I have to plan my life around her little naps and feeding schedule. But I also miss my kiddos (the ones I nanny-ed for), my friends, and going out in public without being stared at because I’m nursing my baby. I am sad my clothes don’t fit how they used to. I am sad I don’t feel like I accomplish much throughout the day (sometimes I don’t even get a chance to brush my teeth). But I don’t want help, I want to be able to do it ALL! I am a new person and this new identity as a mother is seriously the best, but I feel like I don’t know who I am.

I feel alone in this journey, even when I’m surrounded by support.

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