Waiting…

Have you ever felt like you were waiting for something for no reason? That God put this command on you and it was really silly to follow?

Sam and I waited until our wedding night to consummate our marriage… and it was HARD but it was also the BEST decision we ever made (besides to get married of course 😊)! About 3 months into our relationship (we had sex during this time) Sam came home and asked me if we could wait until we got married to further our sexual relationship. At this point my relationship with Christ was not very strong and I was honestly shocked he had asked me to do this.

You see, I had been having sex for almost 10 years. I started dating very young and every guy I dated was usually 3-5 years older than me. I thought sex was just something you give to people and in return they will love you or make you feel worthy. I had equated sex with feeling loved and desired. I had been with guys who would make me feel guilty if I didn’t want to or would tell me they loved me in return for going further… (not everyone I dated did this). But the point is, at a very young age I thought sex was just a part of the dating package. I didn’t think sex and love had to go together, but I felt like if I didn’t give sex, then there was no way I could be loved. Mix those thoughts with alcohol, partying, and loose boundaries and sex just became a part of who I was. It wasn’t until my relationship with Sam and my growing relationship with Christ that I started to understand how this thought process was damaging my relationships and my self-worth. When Sam came home and asked me to wait, he explained to me that he wanted me to feel like I was worthy of love, a relationship, and I could be desired for my mind, soul, and heart, NOT just what I could do with my body. He also explained how waiting for marriage would teach us so much about waiting on God’s timing and the love God has for us.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?” 1 Corinthians 6:19

The first couple of weeks of reading, waiting, and praying were very challenging and difficult but I had a wonderful support team and great mentors. I read scripture about waiting for marriage, how God’s timing is never wrong, and the meaning of marriage and sex. Sex is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God. It is meant to be shared with the person we love. Sex is not meant to be used as a tool to get others to do what we want, make others feel guilty, or as an act of something that feels good in the moment. Of course after the first few weeks things got easier and it became easier to hold off our temptations. But as year 2 and almost 3 got closer and we knew we wanted to get married the idea of waiting was not as magical or fun. I had learned so much about myself, relationships, Sam, and the respect we had for one another. I had learned to give myself to God instead of others first, I had learned patience, to rely on God, and to wait for God’s season and not my own. “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens” Ecclesiastes 3:1.

But if I knew I wanted to marry Sam and he wanted to marry me, why were we still waiting? That’s where my question at the beginning stems from… I felt like we were waiting for something for no reason. The first year of our relationship I needed to wait, I needed to know I could be loved without giving myself sexually. I needed to know that God and his plans are so much bigger than my own, but I felt like I had learned this and I was tired of waiting. Wouldn’t it be okay if I just went ahead and stopped waiting? I mean God showed me so much…

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world–the list of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life–comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever” 1 John 2:15-17.

That verse taught me that my lesson was not finished, my season of waiting was not over, and once again God’s timing is ALWAYS correct. God did teach me how to love myself, how much love I could have for another human, and how much love our relationship could have if we put God first. But he also taught me that his will be done. No matter my earthy desires or wants, his plan is far better than my own.

So we waited… And it was and still is one of my favorite lessons from God. Being with my husband on our wedding night was worth the wait, it was something that is indescribable. I have never felt more loved, appreciated, respected, desired, or needed than I do with my husband. I know the waiting was incredibly challenging and we questioned it a lot, but it built a beautiful and strong foundation for our marriage. It created a foundation that puts God first and then our marriage. It created a biblical marriage and a Love I’ve never felt before and that is more than enough to make me say I would go back and do it all over again. God’s plans are not always my plans, but they are WORTH the wait.

It is Finished

A few weeks ago I got one of my favorite tattoos to date. “It is finished” is written on my spine. The lovely Jessie Felix Garcia at Tattoo You did this for me. (she’s amazing and a total babe…go see her). This tattoo is exactly what it means. Jesus said, “It is finished,” with that he bowed his head and gave up his spirit (John 19:30). This was the final word [Tetelestai] Jesus said before he died on the cross for our sins.

When Jesus died on the cross, he didn’t say “do good and you’ll go to Heaven” or “Be kind and you’ll go to Heaven” he said “It is Finished.” In those final moments leading up to his human death, Jesus took all our sins, all our wrongdoings, all our hatefulness and all of our brokenness to the cross so that we could be forgiven and be given the chance to live in Eternity with God and Jesus Christ himself. He died so that we could live. I’m not saying we can live our lives full of sin and greed without asking for forgiveness and still go to Heaven. But I am saying that if we spend our time trying to do “good works” so that we will be noticed or look like a Christian, we aren’t getting the big picture. We are inseparably with Christ in all he did. His resurrection, our resurrection. We are alive and raised up from the dead not because something we did, but because of what Christ did for us. It is by Grace we have been saved and it is a gift of God. Nothing in ourselves or nothing we can do raised us up. It is purely 100% God and a gift from God.

I am not saying that we can/should live our life in sin and blatantly not care about the consequences of that. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall nor perish, but have eternal life” John 3:16. We must believe that Jesus died for us, that no matter how much we give, donate, do acts of kindness, Jesus is who gave up his life for our sins. Once we accept Jesus into our hearts, our hearts should crave to be more like him. We are not able to be free of sin on Earth, but acknowledging our sins and asking for forgiveness and a softened heart is how we can be more like Jesus. Again, we CANNOT live our life in sin and disregard of Jesus and his sacrifice and expect eternal life. But there is nothing we can do to change what Jesus has already done for us. It is finished.