Little Pumpkin–it’s here

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Little Pumpkin,

Your first birthday is here. Momma has had a wide range of emotions about this day since before you were born.

I found out I was pregnant with you right around four weeks, which is sort of early. I immediately fell in love with you the second I saw the pink line. That love came with lots of fears and worries, but also a feeling of complete and total joy that I can’t even explain with words.

I thought about what you would like.

Were you a boy or a girl?

Would you survive in my tummy and make it out healthy?

Would you have my features or your dad’s?

Would I be a good mother?

Are these cramps normal?

We found out you were a girl and we picked a name, Genevieve Green. Genevieve because it is quite beautiful which we knew you would be. Green for your Grandma in Heaven.

We prepped and prepared, prayed and cried, celebrated and rejoiced, and then you were here. November 8, 2018 you changed our world forever.

I say I loved you even before you were born, which I did. I felt you move, grow, kick, hiccup, and knew you before I saw you. But little pumpkin, when you were born, I felt a love and connection that is indescribable. My instincts to protect you, keep you safe, dry your tears, nurture, love and keep you with me escalated into what I now know other mother’s had been telling me about all these years. But it was so much better and intense than I had ever dreamed.

The first few days turned into weeks which turned into months…

Am I doing this right?

Am I a good mother?

Will you know I put her down when I needed a tiny break from the 2AM crying session?

Will you always be this perfect?

I can’t believe I am so lucky to be your mom.

Surely you will sleep longer stretches, right?

I swear I can’t sing Tom Petty one more time–please stop crying and sleep!

You are so amazing, I’m sorry I was so tired and grumpy.. you are perfect.

Now you are one. You say a few words, you eat food, you crawl (incredibly fast), you stand, laugh, smile, snuggle, give kisses. You clap and dance, you throw tiny tantrums, and explore, you feel music and have preferences to different artist–I’m convinced you’re going to be a musician of some sort. You bring a light into our world where we did not even know darkness was before.

Before I know it, you’ll be walking–then running…

You’ll be off to school–then graduating.

You’ll have your first heartbreak–then be walking down the aisle.

You’ll have many more tantrums, we will have some fights.

You’ll say the words “I love you” back to me and I’m sure one day you’ll probably mutter “I hate you” under your breathe.

You’ll have more birthdays…

You’re going to grow and change and I am so incredibly excited to see the beautiful woman you become–but I also am cherishing these little years and the beautiful little person you are now.

So on your first birthday… I want you to know.

I love you. I will always love you. I cherish you. I will always cherish you. I will always protect you.

You are my favorite person. You will always be my favorite person.

I support you. I will always support you. I listen and see you. I will always listen and see you.

I am proud of you. I will always be proud of you.

We may not agree on everything, but please know you can ALWAYS count on me to hear you.

One day (hopefully a long time from now) momma will join her momma in Heaven. You will feel a lot of emotions and probably feel like there were so many things left unsaid. But look back on this and remember…

As long as I am living (physically on earth or eternally in Heaven) I love you and I am with you.

Xoxo.

Alone

I feel alone, but it’s hard to get out.

I’m a new mom and I literally don’t want to do things without my child… it gives me anxiety to think about leaving her for longer than 1 hour. I know she has tons of people who would jump at the chance to sit for me and give me a few hours to just be. But it’s hard to leave. It’s also hard to give someone else control over my child’s wellbeing. What if she cries and they can’t figure out how to calm her? What if she keeps refusing the bottle because all she wants to do is nurse? What if she remembers not being able to calm down and it impacts her later in life? [I know I’m crazy].

I feel alone, but I want my own space.

I’m almost 28 years old and I’ve only had the chance to live alone for a very brief period of time. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of people, but I need my OWN space. I want to take all the things I have in storage and put them in their specific place. I want to clean up messes that are only mine.

I feel alone, but I’m not depressed.

I’ve been depressed… suicidal and sent to a psych ward kind of depressed. I don’t feel that way. My life is different and sometimes it’s challenging to adjust to the fact I can’t just go do whatever, but I’m not depressed. My daughter makes me the happiest I’ve ever been and I’m so thankful that I have to plan my life around her little naps and feeding schedule. But I also miss my kiddos (the ones I nanny-ed for), my friends, and going out in public without being stared at because I’m nursing my baby. I am sad my clothes don’t fit how they used to. I am sad I don’t feel like I accomplish much throughout the day (sometimes I don’t even get a chance to brush my teeth). But I don’t want help, I want to be able to do it ALL! I am a new person and this new identity as a mother is seriously the best, but I feel like I don’t know who I am.

I feel alone in this journey, even when I’m surrounded by support.