Little Pumpkin–it’s here

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Little Pumpkin,

Your first birthday is here. Momma has had a wide range of emotions about this day since before you were born.

I found out I was pregnant with you right around four weeks, which is sort of early. I immediately fell in love with you the second I saw the pink line. That love came with lots of fears and worries, but also a feeling of complete and total joy that I can’t even explain with words.

I thought about what you would like.

Were you a boy or a girl?

Would you survive in my tummy and make it out healthy?

Would you have my features or your dad’s?

Would I be a good mother?

Are these cramps normal?

We found out you were a girl and we picked a name, Genevieve Green. Genevieve because it is quite beautiful which we knew you would be. Green for your Grandma in Heaven.

We prepped and prepared, prayed and cried, celebrated and rejoiced, and then you were here. November 8, 2018 you changed our world forever.

I say I loved you even before you were born, which I did. I felt you move, grow, kick, hiccup, and knew you before I saw you. But little pumpkin, when you were born, I felt a love and connection that is indescribable. My instincts to protect you, keep you safe, dry your tears, nurture, love and keep you with me escalated into what I now know other mother’s had been telling me about all these years. But it was so much better and intense than I had ever dreamed.

The first few days turned into weeks which turned into months…

Am I doing this right?

Am I a good mother?

Will you know I put her down when I needed a tiny break from the 2AM crying session?

Will you always be this perfect?

I can’t believe I am so lucky to be your mom.

Surely you will sleep longer stretches, right?

I swear I can’t sing Tom Petty one more time–please stop crying and sleep!

You are so amazing, I’m sorry I was so tired and grumpy.. you are perfect.

Now you are one. You say a few words, you eat food, you crawl (incredibly fast), you stand, laugh, smile, snuggle, give kisses. You clap and dance, you throw tiny tantrums, and explore, you feel music and have preferences to different artist–I’m convinced you’re going to be a musician of some sort. You bring a light into our world where we did not even know darkness was before.

Before I know it, you’ll be walking–then running…

You’ll be off to school–then graduating.

You’ll have your first heartbreak–then be walking down the aisle.

You’ll have many more tantrums, we will have some fights.

You’ll say the words “I love you” back to me and I’m sure one day you’ll probably mutter “I hate you” under your breathe.

You’ll have more birthdays…

You’re going to grow and change and I am so incredibly excited to see the beautiful woman you become–but I also am cherishing these little years and the beautiful little person you are now.

So on your first birthday… I want you to know.

I love you. I will always love you. I cherish you. I will always cherish you. I will always protect you.

You are my favorite person. You will always be my favorite person.

I support you. I will always support you. I listen and see you. I will always listen and see you.

I am proud of you. I will always be proud of you.

We may not agree on everything, but please know you can ALWAYS count on me to hear you.

One day (hopefully a long time from now) momma will join her momma in Heaven. You will feel a lot of emotions and probably feel like there were so many things left unsaid. But look back on this and remember…

As long as I am living (physically on earth or eternally in Heaven) I love you and I am with you.

Xoxo.

Baby Love

I’ve been a momma for a little over 3 months and it is my favorite thing but also the hardest. I get to wake up every morning and snuggle my sweet baby, listen to her coo, giggle, and even sometimes scream her little head off. The moments are so precious but also so quick. I’ve been told more times than I can remember that in a blink of an eye she’ll be 18 and leaving for college.

I don’t want to think about this tiny little human not needing me anymore.

Being a momma has changed my entire world. What I thought was once important really isn’t anymore. I now spend less time on my phone and live in the moment (besides when I’m soaking up cute photos and videos to share with the world). I rarely find time to shower or fix my hair, which makes me feel like a slob; but when I hold my baby and she smiles up at me, I don’t care that I have spit up in my hair from 3 days before. I’m a slight clean freak and tend to get anxiety when things aren’t in the correct places, but I’ve realized making funny faces at my daughter to get her to laugh is far more enjoyable than cleaning.

Life as a momma has been the greatest and scariest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s a mixture of counting down till bedtime but missing them once they’re asleep. It’s feeling like a rockstar but also guilty. It’s wanting alone time but wondering what/how they’re doing when you are alone.

Sometimes I get frustrated when she’s awake at 2am and all I want to do is sleep. Then two seconds later and a huge pang of grief wipes over me for feeling that way. Or when she’s crying so hard and I can’t seem to calm her down. I wonder what I’m doing wrong, if I’m cut out for this. I sometimes wish I could go to the store without my little one, but the second she’s not in the car I just stare at the mirror wishing her sweet little face was looking up at me. I wonder if she’ll grow up and feel loved, if she’ll know that I tried my hardest and even in the moments of frustration, I loved her more than I could ever explain. I wonder if she’ll remember crying because I was trying to finish my sandwich instead of scooping her up right away… These feelings are the things I’ve read about on other mom blogs and I know I let myself ride on the irrational train. BUT being a momma is hard work.

I just hope that other mommas know they are enough too. And that it’s completely normal to feel irrational. Know that no one can love your baby the way you do. You know your baby better than anyone. Even when you cannot be with your baby, at the end of the day you’re still their momma and love them more fiercely than anyone ever could. I think it’s important for us to remember our identity has changed, but it doesn’t have to be wrapped all up in our baby. (Although I’m still working on this). Our babies grow so quickly, enjoy them, but also remember it’s okay to enjoy things without them too. & try to not let yourself get too irrational because we are human and we can only do so much!