Dear Momma

Momma,

Your grand-daughter is getting so big. She laughs all the time, smiles, waves, and claps at everyone, gives the best snuggles, and is constantly saying “dadadada.” She has hazel eyes that look really green on some days–especially in the sun. Her cheeks are perfectly round and rosy! & her lips are going to be big like mine. She’s independent, loves music, and brings more joy to my life than I could have ever imagined.

Momma… I wish you were here to be her grandma. I wish I could call you and ask about when I first started walking, talk to you about teething, and listen to your stories about being a young mom.

I wish I could ask you how you managed to work, take care of us three kids, and do everything else on your own. I have Sammy (who I wish you could have met too) to call and lean on when life gets tough and being a momma wears on my heart. He isn’t always around, but at least I always have the phone to call and talk to him. How’d you do it, momma? How’d you do so much without any help?

Momma… I wish I could go back and be grateful, say thank you, and show you how much I appreciate you. I wish you could know how much I am in awe of the mothering you did–alone.

I wish I could call you and tell you to stop giving her sugar… that she can only have 1 treat today. That she needs to nap because we have a big afternoon ahead of us. I wish I could drop her off to you on my way to my new job. That I could pick her up from your house and sit around and chat about all the things you two did together. I wish I could see you be a grandma, because I know you’d be the very best one.

Momma… I know Heaven is better than here, but I still need you. I need you to help me through this adventure, I need your guidance, your assurance, and probably a little snuggle time too. I need you to hold me when I feel like I am failing my daughter and tell me that I am doing the best job I possibly can.

I still need you, Momma, even though I’m a momma now too.

Baby Love

I’ve been a momma for a little over 3 months and it is my favorite thing but also the hardest. I get to wake up every morning and snuggle my sweet baby, listen to her coo, giggle, and even sometimes scream her little head off. The moments are so precious but also so quick. I’ve been told more times than I can remember that in a blink of an eye she’ll be 18 and leaving for college.

I don’t want to think about this tiny little human not needing me anymore.

Being a momma has changed my entire world. What I thought was once important really isn’t anymore. I now spend less time on my phone and live in the moment (besides when I’m soaking up cute photos and videos to share with the world). I rarely find time to shower or fix my hair, which makes me feel like a slob; but when I hold my baby and she smiles up at me, I don’t care that I have spit up in my hair from 3 days before. I’m a slight clean freak and tend to get anxiety when things aren’t in the correct places, but I’ve realized making funny faces at my daughter to get her to laugh is far more enjoyable than cleaning.

Life as a momma has been the greatest and scariest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s a mixture of counting down till bedtime but missing them once they’re asleep. It’s feeling like a rockstar but also guilty. It’s wanting alone time but wondering what/how they’re doing when you are alone.

Sometimes I get frustrated when she’s awake at 2am and all I want to do is sleep. Then two seconds later and a huge pang of grief wipes over me for feeling that way. Or when she’s crying so hard and I can’t seem to calm her down. I wonder what I’m doing wrong, if I’m cut out for this. I sometimes wish I could go to the store without my little one, but the second she’s not in the car I just stare at the mirror wishing her sweet little face was looking up at me. I wonder if she’ll grow up and feel loved, if she’ll know that I tried my hardest and even in the moments of frustration, I loved her more than I could ever explain. I wonder if she’ll remember crying because I was trying to finish my sandwich instead of scooping her up right away… These feelings are the things I’ve read about on other mom blogs and I know I let myself ride on the irrational train. BUT being a momma is hard work.

I just hope that other mommas know they are enough too. And that it’s completely normal to feel irrational. Know that no one can love your baby the way you do. You know your baby better than anyone. Even when you cannot be with your baby, at the end of the day you’re still their momma and love them more fiercely than anyone ever could. I think it’s important for us to remember our identity has changed, but it doesn’t have to be wrapped all up in our baby. (Although I’m still working on this). Our babies grow so quickly, enjoy them, but also remember it’s okay to enjoy things without them too. & try to not let yourself get too irrational because we are human and we can only do so much!

Christmas Magic

As most of you know, I LOVE CHRISTMAS. Christmas is magical–literally another world full of unicorns and cupcakes (but seriously). Christmas is my favorite time of the year. 

What most of you do not know is why I love Christmas and there are two BIG reasons I do.

On December 4, 2007, my mom took her last breath of air. Christmas being only 21 days later, you would think Christmas would be a sad time for me, especially since it was the first Holiday without her. However, that Christmas morning my siblings and I woke up to stockings, gifts, and a FULL living room of presents my mom had picked out before she died. My mom spent the last six months of her life in excruciating pain; chemo and radiation, hospital stays, IV’s, a port attached to her as a constant reminder she was dying, and a life-sucking disease taking over her body. However, she spent those months making sure her children were being kids, not letting us visit her when we should be out with friends, and acting as normal as she could–laughing, playing, singing, dancing. She still believed in the magic.

Mom spent her final days making sure each of her children opened the perfect presents with the best stocking stuffers because that is who my mom was. My mom believed in the magic of Christmas, the feel-good of finding the prime gift for a loved one, the baking, Christmas carols, and of course Christmas movies. We would make Oreo-reindeer, watch The Grinch, decorate the tree, go look at Christmas lights and we always had the BEST gifts. She knew how to turn a little money into a gift that she put thought into–she never gave us gifts that were “fillers.” Mom believed in the reason for the season; I remember going to midnight Mass. My mom made Christmas about family and doing things together, the gifts were phenomenal, but it’s the feeling that made it so perfect.

I love Christmas because it reminds me of her.

December 25 is not just another American holiday for gifts and spending money, but it is the day our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ was born. People of all nations come together on this day and celebrate and commemorate the birth of Jesus. I know lots of people do not celebrate the real reason behind the day, but I believe every year on this day more people draw closer to God. I believe we see more giving, forgiving hearts, donations, acts of service and kindness, and more love because even if not everyone believes, God is working in and on those hearts to better people. Christmas is about God and even though we have really put pressure on spending during the holidays, we have also put emphasis on giving, love, hope, and grace. These things are all qualities of Jesus and the magic of Christmas exudes them from his people.

I love Christmas because I believe in Jesus and his unwavering love.